It seems so long ago, that the both of us were happy at the tent together shopping for new year goodies.
Two weeks ago, after the show at National Library, we bought a bottle of carbonated lime H20 and a packet of Passion chocolates. You waved goodbye to me after I got on NR7.
Last week, on Friday night, we bought 4 packs of red bull, peanut kueh among others. We were good.. I was really happy that night. For the first time, you actually constantly updated me where you were when you were late.
I never got around to telling you how much it meant to me that night. Now, I can never say it to you when we are both happy.
I miss talking to you happily every night. I really do. I looked forward it to every day.
I was really contented when we were happy. You don't know, how much I'd like to re-visit the happy times, meet you for the first time again, and plunge into a relationship which I felt real and alive. Had I had the gift of knowing which of our outings were going to be happy, I'd appreciate every second of it and never let it end.
In fact, I was always frightened this was going to happen. That's why I always told myself I have to appreciate you when you were around. That I must be thankful I can still see you smile, that I was still able to feel you holding my hand tight in the movies.
The last was Sweeney Todd. I'd never have guessed but I'm not shocked.
I'm confused. I don't know what hit us, why have we degraded to this state? In just a week?
Is it just you and your problem? Or is it that I'm a really horrible person?
It's hard to accept this, when all the effort from both of us to make this relationship work go down the drain, just because you are now giving up.
I thought you would appreciate me more this time and we could really work things out together. Work things out, like you promised.
I wanted to take you to the Singapore flyer, go together for Japanese buffet below the gym at Jurong West stadium. Continue to tan with you beside the pool. Watch funny videos with you in front of your computer.
All these sound so stupid now. They will never ever happen or materialize anymore.
I setup my laptop to run with Sibolga. I didn't know it would only be used once.
What am I to you? A toy to be disposed of when I no longer serve my purpose?
What happened to "you're all I'd ever need :)" I don't have to list the messages you sent that are important to me. Freak that you say I am, I remember them all by hard.
Why? Because they MEANT ALOT TO ME. Do you understand that? Do you understand why I have no qualms sending you all the way back to Boon Lay when I stay at the other end of Singapore?
Do you understand why I always wanted to go back to the West? It's not because it's fun. It's because I wished to make things convenient for you, for you to be able to get home easily to rest. I didn'tmind sacrificing my time and money for you.
Do you understand why I always plan event after event after event for us? It's all to make you happy, to bring you out. I always make mental notes of what you like, what you need.
Do you understand that, the opportunity to make you happy probably makes me happier than what you feel when you get the gift from me?
Would you do the same for me? In my heart, I know the answer is no. Even provided you did, you would use it against me later.
Maybe I should face the cold, hard truth that I've been running away from for so long. I love you more than you would ever like me. Let's not be stupid and state that you ever loved me. Look at how you've treated me, the string of broken promises.
They say the one who loves you will never make you cry. Don't cry over someone who won't do the same for you.
I didn't cry when I punished myself during training. Tortured myself during initiation. Pulled myself through the marathon or cry when I cut myself and bled. I cry when I think of us. The promises. What has been lost. What still has not been done. I cry when I sleep on the pillow and look the roses.
All I'd done, was to love you the best I could.. and all I'd wanted was for you to be happy or even better, to feel the same way about me.
